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Friday, November 21, 2003
Posted at 11:59 am by Nurika
Thursday, November 20, 2003
”Nuri, stop doing this!”
They say that everything turns out good in the end. But, fuck, are they lying. They don’t know jack shit about the real world, about what really happens when you give out your fucking heart to someone. They’re blind to everything going around them. What matters to them is the fact that they’re happy and nothing can ruin it.
“Stop doing what? I’m fucking taking my life back, you dickhead!”
They say that you should treat people the way you want to be treated in return. Well, fuck, what happens when the feeling isn’t mutual? The whole thing about people having compassion and love towards one another is a fucking lie. We’re all self-centered, egotistical pieces of shit, who steal things that didn’t belong to us in the first place.
“Treat me like an ass then, but don’t take this out on Jisa!”
Oh, so now I’m supposed to believe that there is hope to mankind? Yeah, right. On the real to, the only thing that matters to us is being happy. Who we trample all over on the way there means jack shit. It’s all about forgiveness, isn’t it? Then I have two words for you… Fuck. You.
“The fucking day she agreed on being your little “girlfriend” was the day she agreed on taking all of your shit, Inu. If she can handle it or not is a whole different story.”’
So, I’m not being fair? Who is? You certainly aren’t. Yeah, keep telling yourself that you are. You don’t care about my problems, you never will. You’re just trying to look good so I’ll be in dept to you when you’re in trouble. Well, you know what? You can go fuck yourself, because I don’t fucking care anymore. Don’t give me that “be fair” shit.
“You’re being unfair, Nuri!”
Then go bawl to your mommy. Maybe she’ll listen to your problems, and then solve them. Because you’re incapable of facing and solving your own god damn problems. You just choose to ignore them. They’ll go away eventually, right? Wrong, dipshit.
“I’m not taking anymore of your shit. Cry me a river if you can’t accept it.”
Watch everything go to hell now. Yup, just out that window. See? That’s what happens when people stop taking shit from you. Get used to it, because the feeling of uneasiness is going to haunt you forever.
“Why do you insist on hurting me? Move on, you deserve so much better! I just want you to be happy.”
Mind your own god damn business. Yeah, that’s right. I stopped taking advice from a low-ass shithead like you the day you crushed my heart. Wait, crushed isn’t even the word. Annihilated my heart into oblivion is more like the choice of words.
“YOU’RE hurt? Oh my fucking God! … Shit, I’m not even gonna try. It’s not worth it. You’re not worth it, Inu.”
You’re so god damn thick-headed that it lost you a good friend. You read it right, you lost a good friend. Oh, you didn’t know? I thought I had made it clear when I told you I didn’t want to talk to you again? When I said I didn’t want to see you again? … or wait, are you too thick-headed for that too?
“I just want us to be friends…”
Last time I checked, friends sure as hell didn’t ignore their friends’ true feelings or emotions.
“It’s not worth it.”
It’s not worth crying over anymore. And it’s sure as hell not worth hurting over either.
“You hate me, don’t you?”
Oh, everything would be just peachy if I told you I did, right? Well, let me tell you something then…
“If that’s what you want to hear, then yes. I hate you…”
But truth is, I can’t hate you. Why? Because, I love you… Posted at 1:43 pm by Nurika
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
When things dawn on you...
Last night, I didn't get any sleep at all. Why?
I was too busy wallowing in self-pity.
And the reason for that? ... I felt lonely. Don't get me wrong, I've felt lonely before. Heck, I've been lonely my whole life... but yesterday I just snapped. I needed someone who would hold me, comfort me... someone who would love me regardless of everything.
It hurt more when I realized that was probably not gonna happen...
I tried to think positively... but it's hard when you can't come up with even one reason to smile. So, I fell asleep crying...
But what's different? That's what I do every night after all...
Posted at 12:22 pm by Nurika
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
Love everlasting fades away...
That actually makes sense...
Posted at 1:08 pm by Nurika
Monday, November 03, 2003
Okay... just for once, I'm gonna post something totally irrelevant. You guys feel like checking out a community that tends to get addictive? Click below ^^
Gaia Community
And that would be my signature. Yup, I was bored when I made it... so sue me ^^;; Posted at 12:43 pm by Nurika
What do you do when all goes wrong?
You cry, that's what you do. You wallow in self-pity and bawl your eyes out like a five-year-old kid. You take your pain and sorrow out on the people who stand around you. What else can you do? It's not like you can be positive about things that crush your heart into thousands of tiny pieces.
Recently, I've been thinking way too much. Worrying way too much. Mostly about my friends and their well-being... but also about my future. I know, I know... "You can't predict the future, so why not make the best of what you have in the present?" But what happens when you don't have anything worth putting time and effort into?
My father once said, "You have a lot to be happy about. You're in fine health, you have a family that would do anything for your well-being and you have dreams and hopes for the future." Now, my father is a very intelligent person, but very naïve too. Everything isn't peachy and great when you have all of those things. I mean, I know there are people out there in the world who have it far worse than I do... far worse than I could ever imagine... but there's not much I can do about it. Instead, I'm worrying about my own problems. Am I doing the right thing?
Speaking of doing the right thing. I broke it off with him not too long ago. I told him that the only way I could ever move on with my life was if I didn't have to think about him 24/7... and the only way to prevent that was to broke off whatever we had left. With that, I mean friendship. Not that I was much of a friend to him, but anyway...
And I doubt he even cares.
After all, he does have a perfect girlfriend who treats him like a prince. Hey, that's a whole lot better than someone like me loving him in ways that he could never imagine, right? After all, I'm only a naïve girl who just happened to fall in love with him... someone who would sacrifice everything she's ever believed in just for his sake.
I told him all that... straight to his face. But he waved it off as if it were something annoying. Since then, I haven't talked to him... and if things go as I want them to, I won't be speaking to him at all from now on.
Guess what, love... you told me to move on with my life. So I have... I've moved away from you.
Far away...
"I dropped a tear in the ocean... the day I find it is the day I stop loving you..."
Posted at 1:46 am by Nurika
Monday, October 20, 2003
It hurts...
I never knew it actually could hurt this much.
You're probably wondering what I'm talking about. Stick around if you're interested and I'll tell you everything...
Some time ago, I fell in love with someone I shouldn't have fallen in love with. I won't go telling you the long story... instead, I'll stick with the short story. I fell in love, it hurt the relationship between me and one of my best friends. So, thinking I could restore everything between me and my friend, I let go of the guy I loved...
For nothing.
I didn't get jack shit. My friend doesn't trust me the same way she used to, the guy fell in love with another of our friends and here I am... stuck in the middle, feeling more pain than any of them could ever imagine.
What do I do?
Right now, I can only cry... I don't know how much I can take of this. I want him to be happy, but it's not easy to let go. Especially when you know that everything was probably just a lie...
Posted at 5:29 am by Nurika
Thursday, October 02, 2003
Wow...
I never knew I was so emotional and depressing... sure, I'm aware of the fact that my life is tough, but I never knew what kind of feelings I had bottled up inside of me. I'm twisted... everything I feel is either locked behind steeldoors or spinning in an endless swirl of emotions.
I just got back from the school "shrink"... I voluntarily went there, if you're wondering. Felt like I really needed to talk to someone. And it helped, actually... I never thought I'd feel better after a visit with the school shrink.
I'd rather not reveal exactly what we talked about, but I'll tell you something... if you ever feel down or depressed... getting opinions and help from a shrink or a total stranger helps. It really does.
It might sound weird, but this woman knew my situation before I even started talking. Empaths, I tell you. Pretty cool...
So it's down to taking a day at a time. Inhale, exhale. Just enjoy the good times in life and make the best of the bad times.
Dream.
"The future is for those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Posted at 4:27 am by Nurika
Tuesday, September 30, 2003
Happiness does not exist.
Sadly, that's how I feel. That's how I've felt my entire life...
I believe it's because I've always been forced to choose between happiness and things that get in the way of it. And I've always ended up choosing the other things...
Why?
Because happiness is a far too complicated thing. Funny to hear that from someone who's supposed to learn from her mistakes and take each day as it is, huh? Yeah, well, if there's something I've learned through the almost 17 years of my life, it's that I'll never truly be happy until I stop worrying about the well-being of the people I love.
And that won't be happening anytime soon...
So the conclusion with all of this is...
This is my life.
"Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy."
- Cynthia Nelms
Posted at 6:21 am by Nurika
Monday, September 29, 2003
Scars of the Wind...
Yeah, that's right. I needed a place to rant about my life... don't like it? Then don't read...
This is my first entry, and I have to admit that I don't have the slightest idea of what to write. I mean, I thought that if I made a blog, I'd have a place to write about my feelings and my emotions. But now that I think of it, I feel nothing at the moment. It's like everything inside of me has been erased...
Empty.
If I feel anything at all, that's what...
Posted at 5:05 am by Nurika
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Scars of the Wind
It takes a long time for a wounded heart to heal. But even longer for a shattered soul to mend...
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